Same old crap

The clown cackles madly,
“The fool is falling!”
The child laughs gaily,
Butterflies chasing.

The queen points sharply,
“The fool is weeping.”
Egg shells shatter,
Bridges falling.

The dreams wrap snugly,
“The fool is breaking.”
Eyes red and swollen,
Not yet sleeping.

I’m feeling lost. Rather, I am restless and can’t bring myself to care about anything. Goals, responsibilies, promises be damned. I just can’t feel the drive to work towards anything at all now. Hell, I can’t be bothered to take care of myself properly when I know damn well I should. I know damn well what I should be doing, so that everyone who cares won’t worry, so that I will become better, and yet I’m not.

The thing is, this has been at least the third time in the past six months that I’m feeling similar or exactly like that. I get better each time either after a messy breakdown in private or some small steps starts building the stairs to ‘being better’. I’m so tired of all this crap I don’t even know to push myself towards a breakdown now, or try and do something and pray I start feeling more positive and thus get better… for the time being.

I’m beginning to feel I need some serious counselling. I’m getting depressed more and more often, I know that my bad habits are getting worse and I’m not exactly emotionally stable most of the time. But another part says that I’m living a pretty good life and I’m just thinking too much on a too regular basis, that there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with me except for too big a lazybone and instinct towards procastination and active imagination.

I hate myself. I hate this selfish, cowardly, deceitful, weak-willed, whiny and hideous self of mine. I can be a better person. I can become the person that everyone and I can be proud of, the person that won’t have to lie and makes excuses, the person that won’t break promises and disappoint, the person that is healthy, happy and brings joy to others. I was once such a person… what happened that I became this shell that I am now…

Why can’t I walk out of this shadow once and for all? Why did I end up falling after one or several missteps and letting myself keep falling and falling back into the same old depressing circle? I’m so tired of this repetition. I feel like I’m yet again at another rock bottom, and I don’t have the mental strength to climb up anymore. I tried. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough. Now I’ve lost something important inside of me that I can’t be sure what it is, and I don’t know how to try anymore. I am scared to try and only to fall again.

I hate that I almost posted this to a site that I haven’t been updating anything to for more than six months instead. I hate that I wrote a poem at the top to disguise this as something more than what is actually is, a self-loathing piece that is so similar to the same old other crap I have posted earlier, months ago, years ago.

I am so tired of this. Sometimes I want to fall asleep, and dream an endless dream. That way I won’t disappoint myself and anyone else. I won’t fear having a messy public breakdown again. My spotty memory says I have had at least two spectacularly bad public breakdowns, and numerous moderately bad ones. I don’t want another to the record now. Not now. Not there.

I am afraid, and so very tired. I don’t know how to get myself to do things now, but time, and the world, waits for nobody. I only wish that if I shatter, I will have time to piece myself up together properly so I won’t break again.

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