Why… am I doing this?

It seems to be a season of dreary entries, isn’t it? It also seems to be a season to lose sight of things. I’ve always avoided talking about my work… but it seems it’s also been causing me a lot of heartache time and again.

Since a long time ago, I’ve always had this feeling that a huge pile of papers filled with all kinds of tasks and things to tackle pressing down on my colleagues and I. Of course, as we work on it, slowly things get done. But at the same time, things get thrown onto the pile at high speed, and the amount of people working on it remained small.

And then there are certain expectations upon us, of course. Most of those expectations are set based on this monster combination of misconception. Like, the number of us are at least ten times more than in reality. Like, we are able to do at least a dozen more things than we really are able to. Like, we are paid a lot more than we really are and therefore should be “working hard to earn our pay”. And since it’s obvious we can’t quite meet those expectations, we are “not doing our work” and “don’t know how to do our work”.

Sometimes… I wish I know Kage Bunshin no Jutsu and I can make hundreds of myself share this workload so that maybe that mountain will vanish some time this year. Sometimes, I wish I am Superman who can work at top speed.

Sometimes, I wish I can steel my heart and flee. Even though I like this job, my colleagues and a number of other things to do with it, even though there were moments of great happiness and satisfaction, this kind of near constant pressure and insane workload is too suffocating.

Some day, I won’t be able to take it anymore.
Some day, it won’t be worth it anymore.
Some day, I will look for a job once more.

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